BLACK SATURDAY 06

As I’m typing this, I’m in that stage where you feel like half-alive and half past dead after finishing one full bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label. I started drinking when I opened my copy of The Catcher in the Rye. I’m about more than a hundred page done, my head is spinning, and I have one bottle of scotch whisky down. So I’ll just hook on the net instead.

Anyway, I blame my friend for teaching me the virtue of “scotch on the rocks” a-la James Bond. He said that now that I’m a lawyer, I should refrain from drinking beer and just take scotch on the rocks instead. And if I prefer Spanish brandy, stay away from my favorite Fundador and just take Torres 12 or Carlos 1 instead. That will be better for my appearance as a management lawyer, he said. My heads feels cracking up now and I feel like throwing up…

For those who are reading this, yes it is true. I’m essentially a lawyer now. I recently passed the bar exams. All I need is to take the Lawyer’s Oath on the 9th of May and sign at the roll of attorneys and that’s it, I can call myself a lawyer.

God, I need a makeover. I already sense that this is coming all the while. When I look at my recent photos, all I can see is a fatter, chubbier version of me while I was in college. I never matured physically, emotionally, or intellectually. Besides, I could even say that I “devolved” as a law student.

The wake-up call was when the managing partner in my law firm approached me personally and said that I “need” a make-over since our clients might not be impressed with how I appear before them in client meetings. “Baka babaan pa yung bayad sa atin”, he said. If only they’ll be giving clothing allowances. But that is wishful thinking…

Anyway, the girlfriend of my brod, that Ateneo Law School sorority president if you know her, already promised to go shopping with me so that I will look like a hotshot lawyer. I already reserved ten grand for that: shirt, pants, watch, shoes, etc. I hope it fits within the budget. And then I have to spend another P25,000 to repair my car; a car that I don’t even bring to the office. I wonder why the fuck new lawyers like me have to go through this shit to look like a hotshot lawyer so that you won’t hesitate to pay them P1,500 an hour for time billing…

Lately, I’ve been feeling that I’ve been screwing with my life. I guess I just acted foolishly the past few years. I can’t understand women; women can’t understand me. I guess that is just how things will go for me.

SJP is happily married now, as I was informed. JMA will soon be another bride. Here I am still single, alone, and definitely lonely. Still thinking how different my life would be if they were still with me. When I was waiting for the bar results, I wanted a hand to hold on to. When I knew the results, I wished I had a woman’s lips to kiss in celebration. Alas, no hand came forth. No woman’s lips pouted for me. It was the most unceremonious and unhappy personal milestone for me. After that night, there are only two things I was proud of: one, I made my parents very proud, and two, I don’t have to go through all that shit again. That is it. It was still a cold, dark night for me.

I guess it is all my fault actually. I just don’t how to handle stuff like that. Sometimes I can be a very selfish brat. All I think about is what will happen to me, not even thinking about will happen to them. My universe revolves around me. I guess that is my biggest sin. Lately, I realized, the possibility is greater that I won’t get married than the possibility I decide not to get married at all.

But hey, I have a lot of reasons to be happy. I am a young lawyer at the age of 25. I work in a prominent law firm, though the salary and work load could be better. I am good and my colleagues think that I am. The future looks bright for me. If only I could cheer myself to see that there is a “bright future” in my horizon…

I could hear the church bells now. Jesus Christ just rose from his sepulcher. As he prophesized that he’ll rebuild the temple at the 3rd day. Here I am, though, still aching not to go to my usual boring routine. I wish that I too could destroy my temple and rebuild it again in 3 days. This is sadder than a Cold Christmas.#

Thoughts on Week One

Yes I survived week one and a few hours from now, I'll be reporting for work for week two. But just the same, I need to have a break and at the same time, an update on what's happening around me. Work has been very time consuming. The earliest that I went home from work was at 9PM. The latest was at 11:30PM. And I have a 9:30AM hearing at the NLRC next day. Oh man!

To Ateneo Law students reading this, guess who I saw in a mandatory conciliation conference that I attended last week: the one and only Atty. Alan Paguia. He was representing the complainant along with another utot lawyer though Atty. Paguia would later claim that he was merely advocating a cause; of course he has to make that excuse because the Supreme Court has already said that he is suspended indefinitely from the practice law. Practice of law includes appearing in the NLRC arbitration hearings. He was surprised to see me there too. He asked if I'll be the one handling all the ABS-CBN cases and I said that maybe on the conciliation level. Good thing for me, he said. Good training. Just fresh from law school, started working just three days before, and now appearing in the NLRC mediation conference and representing the biggest broadcasting company in the country: ABS-CBN. Made feel good about my work since Labor Law is not really my forte. No one looks for underbar associates who specialize in Constitutional Law, Human Rights, Administrative Law, and Election Law. Ergo, no money for me if I don't look at the other fields of the law...

Last wednesday, I went home at 11:30PM. Initially, I was afraid to go home. It's late, dark, and probably hard to get a cab. I was surprised when I went out of Prestige Tower: putsa pare parang tanghali pa lang! SO MANY PEOPLE! Emerald Avenue was bustling with people smoking, eating, drinking, and having coffee. I forgot that there are about a thousand and one call centers around the area. So it is safe to go home late though I have no plans to stay up that late again soon. Warak ka kasi pag harap mo sa arbiter kinabukasan eh.

One last thing, probably the biggest revelation that I discovered in my first week is that big companies hire good labor law firms to do IMPOSSIBLE THINGS. I'm handling a case that when you look at the facts, from all angles, it is evident that the company did a pretty stupid thing and they're trying to argue their way out of it. Kung ginawa na lang regular yung empleyado baka nakatipid pa sila. Dispatcher lang naman eh. The problem is, they did not do it and now they're asking us to remedy the problem. I'm now preparing the appeal for that and I dunno how to justify their act. "Appeal until we reach the Supreme Court" was the company's demand and I'm now preparing a petition for review on certiorari under Rule 45 for that. As the partner in the firm said: "Companies hire us because they expect that we can do miracles. If the case is easy and they can win on the merits, they would just let their in-house counsel handle it." This is the first time that I learned about this fact. Another thing that the Ateneo don't teach us.

That is it for now. Catch up with you guys again soon. Merry Christmas to Christians, Happy Hannukah for Jews, and for godless people like me, Have a Happy Day to Eat Drink Sleep Late and Still Get Paid Full Day! Happy Holidays people. #

Two things that won't work

So I'll start work on Monday. Great! Now the sad part is that I'll be saying goodbye to living a carefree life, though I don't really think that what I did the past 8 years is really carefree! I prepared my whole life for this opportunity, to work in a law office, and be of service to your fellowmen. But the law firm that I'll be working specializes in labor law; not quite my greatest strength. Moreso, we'll be representing management.

If only the dead can know what is happening to the living, my late friend Darius the Great will be laughing in his grave and will be joking at the irony of my existence. I can picture him saying: "Pa-lecture lecture ka pa ng Karl Marx sa amin nun, ipagbibili mo lang pala yung utak mo sa burgis!" I had my own laugh at his expense though because in his wake, his coffin is in front of two big crucifixes. Ayaw mo palang magdasal ha! Sad thing is that he died too early; I won't be able to fulfill my promise the last time we were together in a drinking binge: that I'll represent him in case he became accused of rape, which, knowing him, is really a possibility...

Not that it is really a bad thing since it is reality, and truth does not lie (Hello Garci?!), but knowing how corrupt labor law practice in this country already makes me shudder. Soon, I'll be preparing myself to do a job that I avoided when I had my practicum: give a bribe to a labor arbiter in order to obtain a favor.

At least, the good thing is that the eldest in the family will finally get a job; four years after my younger sister did and three months after my other sister started working after becoming a licensed engineer. We always kid each other through that zany episode in SpongeBob Squarepants where SpongeBob yells at Squidward "There are two things in this house that won't work" - a potshot at me and my younger brother who is still is college. Now, come Monday, there is one less thing in the house that won't work!#

Life Changing Question

Nearly a decade ago, someone gave me this life-changing question: "Why?"
I gave this life-changing answer: "Why not!"

ooOOoo

It is funny to think that nearly a decade since that fateful day, I still remain faithful to my answer that day. After nine years, I'm still living a life that has been changed, probably, forever. I'm now 25 years old. There is really no turning back from this point on... I think.

On "Death in Teheran" and Life's One Good Choice

From among the various stories in Existentialism/Humanism, one story that has always lingered in my mind, along with Camus’s classic essay concerning the tragic Greek mythological character Sisyphus, is the story Death in Teheran. I first encountered this story while reading Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning where the esteemed psychologist related this allegory to psychological trauma experienced by the Jews in Auschwitz concentration camps (see pages 74-77).

The story goes as follows: Once upon a time, an affluent Persian walked in his garden with one of his servants. The servant wailed that he had just encountered Death, who had threatened to take his soul. The servant begged for his master to give him the fastest horse available so that he could flee to Teheran, a refuge that can be reach by sunset. The master gave his blessing and the servant left in haste with the horse. Upon returning home, the master himself met Death, and asked him “Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?” Death replied, “I did not threaten him; I only showed surprise in still finding him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran.”

Besides the innate tragedy present in the allegory, the tale struck me more because of the realism contained in it. Oh how many of us suffer the same fate as that with the wretched servant!

One of the more painful experiences that life brings to a human person is accepting responsibility for our actions. Sartre puts it more bluntly when he said that freedom is a curse because our freedom necessarily results to owning responsibility to our free actions. Because of this freedom, man ought to be a temporal being; he ought to be time-conscious. As a result, it is inherent in man to calculate the risks involved in his plans, study its consequences, speculate scenarios, and map out alternative plan of actions. The most priceless possession a person has is his power of choice; it is also life’s greatest shackle.

Many have suffered from wrong choices. Nonetheless, they have to bear responsibility for their wrong choice. They cannot escape it; it is like a shadow that follows them in midday. Sometimes, we have to choose from two disastrous alternatives. The cliché sounds more profound: people sometimes have to choose the lesser of two evils.

But even if there appears no real good choice at all, man still has to bear responsibility for his choices. Because of this terrible circumstance, he refrains from making a choice since he is afraid of the responsibility of his action. Thus, sometimes people just let it all hang out; they prefer to let fate make the choice for them.

But when one really thinks about it, letting fate just unfold is in itself a choice. Having no choice is in itself a choice; a consequence that one has to bear.

How many true loves never really bloomed because we just let fate run its course. Afraid of suffering from the heartache of unrequited love, many just hide their true feelings and just let things unfold. They just watch happy couples walk by and just suffer inside while looking at a life that they wish they had. Unknown to them, they could have had it had they just risked their hearts on the line.

Many people think fate is one’s master, and we, as its servant, must not try to ruin it by not letting it take its own course. If you believe in this, in your life of great apathy, you are its greatest prisoner.

There is no such thing as pre-destiny. Your destiny is something that you have to decide for yourself. Nothing in life just simply happens. Nothing can come out of nothing. Even if the evil we sought to avoid in our life just simply walks on our doorstep, we should not simply let fate unfold. We should grab life and grab it by its horn. Life is simply the sum of all our choices.

Even if sometimes life gives us no good choice available, we must still be proactive about it. Even if all hope has been lost and our fate appears predestined, we still have one good choice left: we can always choose how life will affect us. If only the servant in Death in Teheran knew his, marching towards his ultimate destiny doesn’t seem that gloomy it all. I could picture him smiling, his head held up high, the tracks pointing towards the crimson sunset in the horizon as his horse gallops him to his death.#

A Clean Well Lighted Place

I wrote this for the graduating batch of San Beda College CAS. This was published in the segment "Redspeak" of the Graduation Issue of The Bedan, 2003. This was, for me, one of the more personal essays that I wrote along with my graduation column. I hope that you, as a reader, can appreciate it.

--ooOOOoo--

A CLEAN, WELL-LIGHTED PLACE

A few hours from now, you will officially be conferred your respective baccalaureate degrees. A few hours from now, you will officially become a part of the country’s workforce. The future of this nation will be placed upon your broad shoulders. But before you walk the aisle and get your diploma and let the tussle on your toga be turned, allow me to share with you a story that will help you reflect upon your future as you begin to swim upon the vast ocean of the “real world.”

Ernest Hemingway wrote a story entitled A Clean, Well-Lighted Place, a story which he himself described as a story that will make you “wonder maybe… (you) heard it somewhere.” It is a story marked with brevity, extremely short when you compare it with the short stories being published these days, that revolve around one setting: a café late in the evening.

There are three principal characters in the story: one customer, described as a very old man, and two waiters. The story begins with the waiters describing the old man as deaf, in despair, who tried to commit suicide a week back, and has plenty of money. The old man absent mindedly drinks over his brandy, asks for more shots and is unwilling to leave the café even if it is extremely late at night. He drinks a lot but is not celebrating. He is there to be merry but is only reminded of his personal misery.

The two waiters differ on their behavior as to their old customer. The younger of the two waiters is impatient to close shop. He has a wife and a home waiting for his return. He prefers to go home in the darkness for he has a wife waiting for him in bed. As described by the older waiter, he has everything. He has “…youth, confidence and a job.”

On the other hand, the older waiter does not mind even if the customer lingers longer. He disliked dimly lighted places like “…bars and bodegas. A clean well lighted place (is) a very different thing.” He does not mind closing shop late at night. He is an “unhurried waiter.” He does not have a wife waiting for him at home and as he described himself, he lacks “everything but work.”

“I am of those who like to stay late at the café,” the older waiter said. “With all those who do not want to go to bed. With all those who need a light for the night.”

Before going further, one must realize that the “clean well-lighted place” is not basically a place of “happiness.” It is not the temple of God. It is not a sanctuary of joy. It is, like the café: a place where people can watch other people drink or probably chat for a moment, while waiting for the light of the day to emerge. It is a refuge for those who dread the unknown. It is a sanctuary for all the lonely hearts who need shelter from the wrath of darkness.

The story ended with the old customer being dispatched home despite the fact that there are many more brandies available. The waiters close shop with the younger one going straight for home. On the other hand, the older waiter went to a bar, but sensing that it is not the same as that of the café and that it is too late for conversation, he went home. He laid in bed and with daylight soon coming, he would go to sleep. He said to himself that maybe, it is just insomnia. But then again, many must have it.

From this story what can one deduce? Though people might say that this is just Hemingway’s description of what happens in a café, personally, I see it as a parody regarding the crises of our time. It is a parody of the “real world” that you would soon be a part of.

Just imagine the multitude of the old customer, who despite his wealth, is filled with misery. He who drinks to forget his sorrow, yet is consumed by it. In any place, you can see someone just like the young waiter: someone who cares less about his work, that dreadful work; looking forward to a redemption of a tomorrow but could not appreciate the liberation of the present. How many are like him who has everything that he needs yet remains impatient about life? You could not also deny the presence of those who are like the older waiter: people who have lost all hope in life. These are the people who are bored of the day that they rather prefer to sleep yet are scared to death of the night that they rather prefer the shelter of a “clean well-lighted place” like that of a café.

Whom do you see yourself from among the characters? Are you the old customer, the younger waiter or the unhurried waiter? These are just some of the caricatures that you will see outside of school. They are characters that you will one day relate with yourself.

It is really interesting to scrutinize the symbolism of the darkness; how people are appalled by the very vision of it. Darkness could simply mean death. I agree with it. In fact, I believe that only two things are true in life: the certainty of death and the truth in history. Either way, the view is really depressing.

Darkness could also mean the loss of hope. It is said that we are part of a generation raised to abandon faith in things. We are part of a generation that was taught to rebel against all existing archetypes and be masters of creating new ones. We are part of a generation that was taught how to move mountains yet we soon learn that it is hard enough to roll a giant rock up a slope. For that we feel a sense of emptiness, the betrayal of our innate weaknesses. Some of us have forgotten how to live up to our ideals since ideals are good only for the uninitiated. We are taught to be practical, but we end up selling ourselves cheap. We are taught not to dream but they never told us to open our eyes.

The real world can be like the darkness that will engulf your very soul. In it, many of the dreams that you may have set for yourself may be shattered. Soon, not a few of you will discover that finding a respectable job can be extremely depressing. You can become a “professional applicant” due to the economic difficulties that we are experiencing as a nation. And indeed, if you are one of the lucky ones who soon become part of the employed, you will realize that working for someone else is not easy either. Just imagining the mad cycle of work and its daily routines can soon bring out the stress out you. You will be like a fish swimming around your small fishbowl that people call as a “cubicle.”

There are marked differences between life in school and life outside it. For one, there will no longer be those brilliant professors who will guide your every step along the way. You will be left to ponder on the road of uncertainty alone. You can no longer undo your mistakes just like what you did in college. There will no longer be any special project to compensate your shortcomings. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there. You will face the consequences of your actions alone but you will soon learn that there are more difficult problems to solve in life than the questions that you get in your final exams.

However, it is wrong to think that life out there is that miserable. You need not be like the character in Hemingway’s story who succumbed to the misery of existence. Just remember the important lessons that college life taught you, such as humility, integrity, perseverance and faith (which are, by the way, more priceless than how to balance an account) and how you applied them in your life as a student, will surely help you in your life as a graduate. The most important lesson in college is not how to improve your professional skills but rather how you shape your character. In the real world, what is inside your heart weighs more than what is inside your brain.Many of you who think that life after school will be a breeze will soon realize that it is everything other than a “clean well-lighted place.” With that for a realization, I have to agree with you. Thus, if one day, you dread to sleep in the middle of the night not knowing why, maybe it is just insomnia. But then again, many people have it.#

A Day in the Life

One evening last September, I was heading home to my apartment from the Ateneo Law School's LSAC (Law Student Activity Center). I was studying all day and all evening until 1:30 A.M. Since I don't have a car and it would be a bummer to walk from Rockwell to EDSA, I took a cab. There, I had a pleasure conversing with the taxi driver.
"You work in a call center," he asked.
"No," I said. "There are no call centers in Rockwell, God forbid."
"Why are you going home late at night," the cab driver asked.
"I just came from school. I have an exam this Sunday that may determine the outcome of my fate," I replied. I mumbled whether I could finish my cigarette.
"Sure. I like cigarettes. I just had one before you hopped in."
"I hate cigarettes. It will kill me. I hope I never learned this disgusting habit."
"Everyone dies," he replied. "It's all a matter of time."
"I hope I won't die before Sunday. Otherwise, today would be waste. It's my birthday and I spent all day studying," I said while laughing.
"Indeed it will be. A person in the prime of his life. What are studying?"
"Law. I already graduated. I'm studying because I'll be taking the bar exam this Sunday."
"I hear law school is tough. Ten years before you graduate and become a lawyer..."
"Actually, it ain't that hard when you think about it. By the way, spending four years in college and four or maybe five years in law school won't guarantee you becoming a lawyer. You have to pass the bar exams first. For some, it took them two decades before they passed the bar."
"How lucky you are. I didn't go to college and I've been spending the last ten years driving a cab to feed my starving wife and kid."
"We're pretty much in this same shit. I've spent the last decade studying hoping that one day, I'll have a wife and a kid to come home to. For that you are lucky. But I’m starving now though.”
“Why do you want to be a lawyer?”
“Because of my dad when I was young. So that chicks will dig me while I was in college. Now, I just want to imprison thieves in the government that steal from the taxes that people like you cough up every year.”
“I don’t pay my income taxes. And if I ever do, I’ll lie about it.”
“ Well, it’s not my business to meddle with your affairs but I think it is better than having your Congressman steal your hard-earned money from you.”
“Yeah, that’s true. By the way, where will we turn left?”
“At Filmore.”
“I hope you do well this Sunday.”
“I hope so. The Criminal Law exams last week was awful…”
“That is why there are many criminals in this country. If lawyers cannot understand it, how can a layman understand it?”
“You are probably correct. Unless you are working for the Prosecutor’s Office. You can get fired there if you do not know your criminal law. But some get off the hook for gross ignorance of the law. One of them even became your COMELEC Chairman.”
“Yes, I hate him. I hate Gloria. I hate Drilon. I hate Cory. In fact, I hate them all. Who are they to dictate what will happen to this country. They can’t help ordinary people like me. They can’t even give an answer to the rising oil prices. I only take home a hundred fifty a day when I used to take home five hundred…”
“Everyone hates them. That is why I will never be a politician. But I’ll be happy to send one in prison though. Hang them all.”
“Yes, that will save this country. Kill them all.”
“I will disembark beside the basketball court.”
“Ok.”
“How much do I owe you?”
“Sixty-five pesos.”
“Here take eighty. The extra is for the gas.”
“Thank you. Happy birthday to you huh.”
“Oh well, thanks.”
I waved goodbye to the cab driver. It made me reflect how two strangers can exchange a pleasant conversation and get to know a lot from one another in such a short period of time. Some married couples cannot even have that luxury. So my birthday ends. But wait, I ended earlier when I ordered a pizza for Xilca, Rosa, Kanna and all the LSAC people. Oh well, I am going to close my eyes now. Septembers… Bar Examinations… What a weird day to spend my birthday. Or was it? Or was it just a day in the life, my oh so ordinary life. I am really going to sleep now. People should not live like this.#