A Clean Well Lighted Place

I wrote this for the graduating batch of San Beda College CAS. This was published in the segment "Redspeak" of the Graduation Issue of The Bedan, 2003. This was, for me, one of the more personal essays that I wrote along with my graduation column. I hope that you, as a reader, can appreciate it.

--ooOOOoo--

A CLEAN, WELL-LIGHTED PLACE

A few hours from now, you will officially be conferred your respective baccalaureate degrees. A few hours from now, you will officially become a part of the country’s workforce. The future of this nation will be placed upon your broad shoulders. But before you walk the aisle and get your diploma and let the tussle on your toga be turned, allow me to share with you a story that will help you reflect upon your future as you begin to swim upon the vast ocean of the “real world.”

Ernest Hemingway wrote a story entitled A Clean, Well-Lighted Place, a story which he himself described as a story that will make you “wonder maybe… (you) heard it somewhere.” It is a story marked with brevity, extremely short when you compare it with the short stories being published these days, that revolve around one setting: a café late in the evening.

There are three principal characters in the story: one customer, described as a very old man, and two waiters. The story begins with the waiters describing the old man as deaf, in despair, who tried to commit suicide a week back, and has plenty of money. The old man absent mindedly drinks over his brandy, asks for more shots and is unwilling to leave the café even if it is extremely late at night. He drinks a lot but is not celebrating. He is there to be merry but is only reminded of his personal misery.

The two waiters differ on their behavior as to their old customer. The younger of the two waiters is impatient to close shop. He has a wife and a home waiting for his return. He prefers to go home in the darkness for he has a wife waiting for him in bed. As described by the older waiter, he has everything. He has “…youth, confidence and a job.”

On the other hand, the older waiter does not mind even if the customer lingers longer. He disliked dimly lighted places like “…bars and bodegas. A clean well lighted place (is) a very different thing.” He does not mind closing shop late at night. He is an “unhurried waiter.” He does not have a wife waiting for him at home and as he described himself, he lacks “everything but work.”

“I am of those who like to stay late at the café,” the older waiter said. “With all those who do not want to go to bed. With all those who need a light for the night.”

Before going further, one must realize that the “clean well-lighted place” is not basically a place of “happiness.” It is not the temple of God. It is not a sanctuary of joy. It is, like the café: a place where people can watch other people drink or probably chat for a moment, while waiting for the light of the day to emerge. It is a refuge for those who dread the unknown. It is a sanctuary for all the lonely hearts who need shelter from the wrath of darkness.

The story ended with the old customer being dispatched home despite the fact that there are many more brandies available. The waiters close shop with the younger one going straight for home. On the other hand, the older waiter went to a bar, but sensing that it is not the same as that of the café and that it is too late for conversation, he went home. He laid in bed and with daylight soon coming, he would go to sleep. He said to himself that maybe, it is just insomnia. But then again, many must have it.

From this story what can one deduce? Though people might say that this is just Hemingway’s description of what happens in a café, personally, I see it as a parody regarding the crises of our time. It is a parody of the “real world” that you would soon be a part of.

Just imagine the multitude of the old customer, who despite his wealth, is filled with misery. He who drinks to forget his sorrow, yet is consumed by it. In any place, you can see someone just like the young waiter: someone who cares less about his work, that dreadful work; looking forward to a redemption of a tomorrow but could not appreciate the liberation of the present. How many are like him who has everything that he needs yet remains impatient about life? You could not also deny the presence of those who are like the older waiter: people who have lost all hope in life. These are the people who are bored of the day that they rather prefer to sleep yet are scared to death of the night that they rather prefer the shelter of a “clean well-lighted place” like that of a café.

Whom do you see yourself from among the characters? Are you the old customer, the younger waiter or the unhurried waiter? These are just some of the caricatures that you will see outside of school. They are characters that you will one day relate with yourself.

It is really interesting to scrutinize the symbolism of the darkness; how people are appalled by the very vision of it. Darkness could simply mean death. I agree with it. In fact, I believe that only two things are true in life: the certainty of death and the truth in history. Either way, the view is really depressing.

Darkness could also mean the loss of hope. It is said that we are part of a generation raised to abandon faith in things. We are part of a generation that was taught to rebel against all existing archetypes and be masters of creating new ones. We are part of a generation that was taught how to move mountains yet we soon learn that it is hard enough to roll a giant rock up a slope. For that we feel a sense of emptiness, the betrayal of our innate weaknesses. Some of us have forgotten how to live up to our ideals since ideals are good only for the uninitiated. We are taught to be practical, but we end up selling ourselves cheap. We are taught not to dream but they never told us to open our eyes.

The real world can be like the darkness that will engulf your very soul. In it, many of the dreams that you may have set for yourself may be shattered. Soon, not a few of you will discover that finding a respectable job can be extremely depressing. You can become a “professional applicant” due to the economic difficulties that we are experiencing as a nation. And indeed, if you are one of the lucky ones who soon become part of the employed, you will realize that working for someone else is not easy either. Just imagining the mad cycle of work and its daily routines can soon bring out the stress out you. You will be like a fish swimming around your small fishbowl that people call as a “cubicle.”

There are marked differences between life in school and life outside it. For one, there will no longer be those brilliant professors who will guide your every step along the way. You will be left to ponder on the road of uncertainty alone. You can no longer undo your mistakes just like what you did in college. There will no longer be any special project to compensate your shortcomings. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there. You will face the consequences of your actions alone but you will soon learn that there are more difficult problems to solve in life than the questions that you get in your final exams.

However, it is wrong to think that life out there is that miserable. You need not be like the character in Hemingway’s story who succumbed to the misery of existence. Just remember the important lessons that college life taught you, such as humility, integrity, perseverance and faith (which are, by the way, more priceless than how to balance an account) and how you applied them in your life as a student, will surely help you in your life as a graduate. The most important lesson in college is not how to improve your professional skills but rather how you shape your character. In the real world, what is inside your heart weighs more than what is inside your brain.Many of you who think that life after school will be a breeze will soon realize that it is everything other than a “clean well-lighted place.” With that for a realization, I have to agree with you. Thus, if one day, you dread to sleep in the middle of the night not knowing why, maybe it is just insomnia. But then again, many people have it.#

A Day in the Life

One evening last September, I was heading home to my apartment from the Ateneo Law School's LSAC (Law Student Activity Center). I was studying all day and all evening until 1:30 A.M. Since I don't have a car and it would be a bummer to walk from Rockwell to EDSA, I took a cab. There, I had a pleasure conversing with the taxi driver.
"You work in a call center," he asked.
"No," I said. "There are no call centers in Rockwell, God forbid."
"Why are you going home late at night," the cab driver asked.
"I just came from school. I have an exam this Sunday that may determine the outcome of my fate," I replied. I mumbled whether I could finish my cigarette.
"Sure. I like cigarettes. I just had one before you hopped in."
"I hate cigarettes. It will kill me. I hope I never learned this disgusting habit."
"Everyone dies," he replied. "It's all a matter of time."
"I hope I won't die before Sunday. Otherwise, today would be waste. It's my birthday and I spent all day studying," I said while laughing.
"Indeed it will be. A person in the prime of his life. What are studying?"
"Law. I already graduated. I'm studying because I'll be taking the bar exam this Sunday."
"I hear law school is tough. Ten years before you graduate and become a lawyer..."
"Actually, it ain't that hard when you think about it. By the way, spending four years in college and four or maybe five years in law school won't guarantee you becoming a lawyer. You have to pass the bar exams first. For some, it took them two decades before they passed the bar."
"How lucky you are. I didn't go to college and I've been spending the last ten years driving a cab to feed my starving wife and kid."
"We're pretty much in this same shit. I've spent the last decade studying hoping that one day, I'll have a wife and a kid to come home to. For that you are lucky. But I’m starving now though.”
“Why do you want to be a lawyer?”
“Because of my dad when I was young. So that chicks will dig me while I was in college. Now, I just want to imprison thieves in the government that steal from the taxes that people like you cough up every year.”
“I don’t pay my income taxes. And if I ever do, I’ll lie about it.”
“ Well, it’s not my business to meddle with your affairs but I think it is better than having your Congressman steal your hard-earned money from you.”
“Yeah, that’s true. By the way, where will we turn left?”
“At Filmore.”
“I hope you do well this Sunday.”
“I hope so. The Criminal Law exams last week was awful…”
“That is why there are many criminals in this country. If lawyers cannot understand it, how can a layman understand it?”
“You are probably correct. Unless you are working for the Prosecutor’s Office. You can get fired there if you do not know your criminal law. But some get off the hook for gross ignorance of the law. One of them even became your COMELEC Chairman.”
“Yes, I hate him. I hate Gloria. I hate Drilon. I hate Cory. In fact, I hate them all. Who are they to dictate what will happen to this country. They can’t help ordinary people like me. They can’t even give an answer to the rising oil prices. I only take home a hundred fifty a day when I used to take home five hundred…”
“Everyone hates them. That is why I will never be a politician. But I’ll be happy to send one in prison though. Hang them all.”
“Yes, that will save this country. Kill them all.”
“I will disembark beside the basketball court.”
“Ok.”
“How much do I owe you?”
“Sixty-five pesos.”
“Here take eighty. The extra is for the gas.”
“Thank you. Happy birthday to you huh.”
“Oh well, thanks.”
I waved goodbye to the cab driver. It made me reflect how two strangers can exchange a pleasant conversation and get to know a lot from one another in such a short period of time. Some married couples cannot even have that luxury. So my birthday ends. But wait, I ended earlier when I ordered a pizza for Xilca, Rosa, Kanna and all the LSAC people. Oh well, I am going to close my eyes now. Septembers… Bar Examinations… What a weird day to spend my birthday. Or was it? Or was it just a day in the life, my oh so ordinary life. I am really going to sleep now. People should not live like this.#